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acceptance
November 2009 
Acceptance?
Posted on Nov 12th, 2007
by 
IAAM2
IAAM2
On Saturday night my wife and I attended a birthday party for a dear friend. We were honored by the invitation and travelled to another city to take in the festivities. There were about 25 people at the party. Around ten kids and the rest adults. Other than the host and hostess and their children we knew no one else in attendance.
The interesting phenomenon was the social interaction between the adults and us? We were not part of the inner circle which included "life long" friends and close neighbors which put us into a bit of a disadvantage from a "history" and "common ground" perspective. As the evening progressed contacts were made and conversational tidbits enjoyed but both my wife and I had a feeling of not really belonging to "the tribe" so to speak. Of course our good friends took time to talk to us and make us feel welcome (which was great) and there were a small number of quests who took a proactive approach to introducing themselves and engaging in conversation. This is where my analysis of the evening and the lessons "learned" gets tricky?
There are 2 avenues to explore:
1. My sense was there was a banquet of opportunities for social interaction and engagement that I did not pursue because I did not make the effort to do so? The reasons are many and complex (to me) but I have to take "full" accountability that I did not attempt to create the opportunities to be sociable. I was in a reactive vrs proactive stance. I was waiting for the opportunities to be presented rather than create them? I know I have the conversation skills to hold my own in most situations but I just didn't make a concentrated effort to engage. I lost out because of it..
2. The people at the party did not (with a few exceptions) make an attempt to include us. People stayed in their "comfort zone" of familiarity with people they knew and did not make an effort to explore our relationship to the hosts (a good conversational opener) or I think "empathize" with our situation of being "outsiders". It then becomes a question of their awareness (were they potentially oblivious to the situation?), social skills or just a general lack of interest in approaching me. The general lack of interest is the one aspect that is the most perplexing? Did I set up my own social reality based on my feelings of not belonging? I believe more pondering is required?
Some good lessons to be learned in the social arena?
Access: Public
I love many of your explorations and questions you pose in your blogs but this one is so very excellent. You examine the responsibility in such a complete way. You ask great questions … have you answered them yet … I've got one question;
You title this blog with “Acceptance.” Do you feel you were not “accepted”? Others can socialize with us and yet not accept us (and we may never know) as well as they can accept us yet remain distant (or not socialize). There are many reasons some people remain distant in social situations; often it's out of fear of rejection but maybe in this case you just didn't really care enough to put out the energy to make connections with people you may never meet again. Best to stick to checking out your own behaviors cause you may never know what was behind theirs.
I strick myself as odd in this respect because often I very much enjoy going around meeting new peole and other times … I'd rather just observe from a distance … Do I go out of my way to include someone I might deem an outsider? Often I might make some effort in that direction but not always … let go of expectations.
Much Love & Peace
BeLynn
Thanks Belynn for your kind comments and excellent observations.
The situation provides a number of opportunities for self examination. I did have expectations of myself and others around the exploration of social opportunity and I agree it is probably beneficial to let go of the expectation aspect because it really doesn’t serve me well? I also took a position of judgement-particularly related to my own behavior and to a lessor degree the behavior of others? Once again not probably in my best interest to dwell on what happened and just move on?
I realize I didn’t make the effort-I don’t believe from a position of potential rejection but more likely based on my difficulty reading the “room” and determining if I had opportunities for conversational openings (which in retrospect I did have) and taking a chance on engagement. To make the attempt is often rewarded.
The evening did have some “gem” moments of engagement and social interaction that made the visit and the experience special. I certainly haven’t lost track of the “plus” side of the experience and like other things in life..one gets out what one puts in-the outcome was somewhat predicable?
In friendship
Graham