cranky
January 2009 
Owning my Anger?
Posted on Dec 14th, 2007
by 
IAAM2
IAAM2
Yesterday I felt very agitated for most of my work day. I tried to focus on why and the exercise resulted in mixed results? I tried to own my crankiness but I found myself disappointed when the acknowledgment of the feeling did not result in any kind of disbursement of intensity.
Of course the aspect of the creation of my own reality entered my consciousness so that I could focus on the cause and effect relationship and how I found myself where I found myself. Now this is where it gets tricky? I was tired-physically and mentally and it is that time of year when the days are short and the nights long which does not set one up for high energy levels? And to top everything off there is the issue of personal expectations that I had set for myself that were not being met. I also blamed others for not doing their share which further agitated my already agitated state. After about 4 hours of intense agitation I switched gears mentally and distracted myself enough to have the feelings start to subside. After a short nap early in the evening I regained my composure.
I acknowledge the feelings are real. How I got to the state is somewhat fuzzy and probably not worth much effort to try and analyze. Will my cranky mood set me up for more crankiness in coming minutes, hours and days remains to be seen? Are there other forces acting on me much like a wave crashing in on a beach (and I am the beach) which I did not create but somehow impacted by remains to be seen? If yes, what is the origin and how much of this external force do I own?
Access: Public
I get cranky and irritable under stress as well (although part of it is depression/manic depression as well). But since stress can also be a trigger for manic depression/depression, I am realizing that I had to learn how to deal with stress and crankiness better than I do now.
I read Deepak Chopra's Peace is the Way, that talks about not only peace in the world, but having Americans realize the mistakes of the making peace by making war and letting fear of terrorism lead us into the mistaken belief that making war will make us safer, but also provides a program for making us peaceful persons and therefore able to act in our lives as a peaceful program - spreading peace around us rather than hostility (or in our case, crankiness or anger).
I'm actually at home now, going through a change in medications from anti-depressant medications to lamotrigine, a medication for seizures which is also okayed for treatment for manic depression (bi-polar). Irritability can be a sign of depression. Manic depression is even more a physically caused problem than regular depression, so I am waiting for the lamotrigine to reach (as the psychiatrist says) a therapeutic dose (i.e., will fix the up and downness, including anger outbursts) before trying to get my act together in otherwise dealing with stress in a healthier and less grumpy way.
I do want to be a peaceful person. Hard to let go of the grumpy snarky stuff and learn new habits in middle age. I started to read Al Gore's book Against All Reason and was so taken by his measured responses to people - acknowledging both their good and bad, even where George W. Bush was concerned, and how important it was to treat everyone, even the people we really, really, really disagree with vehemently, with respect. It is exactly the moral and ethical thing to do which makes all the truly remarkable leaders in the world, so respected (think Martin Luther King, the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, etc.).
I have never been a particularly spiritual or meditative kind of person, and my emotional intelligence, although much, much better than when I was younger, is still barely around 50%. I am a real introvert, despite my liking to socialize at work, and it is hard to make the kind of adjustments in myself that will allow me to deal in a more measured and thoughtful and reasonable way with people who rub me the wrong way. Still, I am at a point where, in order to not just survive but enjoy the last 8 and 3/4 of my working life, I will have to become inwardly a much more peaceful person. (Getting the meds to the right level will at leats make my ups and downs more level so I can try to do what needs to be done to become more at peace.)
The world as well needs us to be less cranky and irritable so that we can bring peace to it.
I never realized that irritability is such a sign of depression for many (including myself) until later in life. Everyone, including me, thinks sadness is the main sign. But that is not so.
Sorry for the longer personal ramble. But I do understand the frustration of wanting to be less cranky and more at peace with myself and as an influence. Hard to be 'green' without making green changes in your own life; similarly hard to be a peaceful person in the world, without finding some internal peace.
Good luck on your path and for the New Year. I do think a lot of mental traits are biological or have biological elements to them, which makes them much more of a challenge to deal with. We can just try our best.