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emotion
November 2009 
Getting Up and Playing?
Posted on Dec 23rd, 2008
by 
IAAM2
IAAM2
I have been experiencing some interesting "emotions" around the need to be (and feel) productive on a daily basis. Upon contemplation I think it is kind of a work and reward criteria that operates internally (with me) that dictates "work first" then play or relaxation next! I smile when I become aware of my focus because it clearly indicates a well ingrained work ethic that sets the tone for how I feel about "downtime"...and the need to earn it......
Yesterday I hunkered down on the couch to read a book that I had come across when searching for something else. It was cold outside and I had just come in from shoveling snow from the driveway. As I laid on the couch I became very weary and drifted off to sleep. I slept for about 30 minutes (the first of two naps) then snapped back to being awake when my wife came up the stairs and into the room. Immediately I felt guilty that I had drifted off and that I wasn't being productive. In fact I spent most of the day in feeling "guilty" stance-there were things I felt I should be doing but weren't?I know "quilt" is a useless emotion but it kept percolating to the surface...weird?? Basically it was a low energy day on many fronts but I really had trouble coming to grips with it....Then I started the whole "justification dance" which didn't really serve me well...I tried to justify that I deserved some downtime to enjoy all my hard work over the past few months and that the day was not really non-productive.........
I have heard that time "recognized" as being wasted is not really wasted? I need to get to the yoga mat and contemplate/meditate on all this...
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I was just talking to a friend about this today–about how both of us would get depressed or moody or irritable when we’re not being “productive” and how even despite working on a deeper acceptance those old patterns would still, still crop up. It’s strange, isn’t it? Why can’t being–holding the space for something joyful and real and raw–be enough?
The aspect of productivity and it’s relationship to our feelings of self worth are deeply ingrained and “reinforced” externally and internally in many subtle and not so subtle ways…it is hard to escape from this “mind set” as stated in your response………
Awareness is the first step……………….