I spent sometime today being mindful of what I am thinking about:

Friends:

2008 was an interesting year in this regard? I guess I went into the year with an expectation of more focus on this area of my existence. The effort I made was real but to be honest the return was a bit less than I expected. It is actually funny to be thinking this way about an expected return? It is not so much what I expected from others but more around my feelings that I made this a priority and made the right commitments and I had "tended" the friendship garden well in 2009?

I took some chances with some new relationships that were satisfying to initiate. I have a sense they might not progress any further but that is OK. Even for small bursts of time it was good to engage with people outside my current circle of friends. 

I also let go of some work related relationships after I left my employment in June 2008. I started questioning the depth of these relationships but stopped myself doing so because the circumstance has changed. I have moved on. 

Some of my friends experienced some very real personal challenges that were shared with me. I listened and I hope in a small way contributed to moving them forward in their understanding and acceptance. 

I like to start conversational threads with people. Open with a topic and see where the conversation goes? Last night was interesting from the perspective that some of my topics got hijacked and went in directions that had little relevance to the original topic? This happened two or three times and I am not sure I liked the direction? My inner control freak started to "freak" but I did nothing to reel in the wild horses.........

I guess the fact we were communicating is good enough???

potential

what ifs?

tidbits

pondering

alignment

questing

but reluctant 

to act

an

undercurrent

of

restlessness

prevails

the recycle

in itself

interesting

rewinding

and playing

again

the same familiar song

The cookbook had been passed to her son. He had kept it all this time and now it is in our possession. It would have been easy to accidently discard it but I was very mindful to search the apartment for anything of sentimental value. Yesterday my wife, mother-in-law and I glanced through the book., There are a number of hand written recipes supplemented with other favorites from all kinds of sources either taped in or stapled with supplemental notes etc. The chocolate fudge cake recipe is there also. There are plans to recreate it to see what it tastes like. There are 3 cookbooks all together and they are an exciting find as it contains a tangible link to the past (family history) through food. 

I think the cookbook will endure while other memorabilia may not? Yesterday I sorted through a number of boxes that I had brought home to go through. Through the process some things have already been purged and where possible recycled. This process will continue today as we have limited storage space in our home. We will probably end up with a small box of important items that we will store for the family. There are a number of interesting photographs (2 generations worth) and some hand written love letters and a small high school signing book from the 1930's with all kinds of interesting notations that warrant some further reading on a cold winter's night. 

This blog entry is dedicated to the memory of Stan 1946-2009. May you rest in peace and thank you for preserving some family history...

This self imposed throttling back of exploration and growth is deeply rooted. Interestingly in earlier times in my life it has not been much of an issue to live within the confines of this self imposed mandate but what I am finding since retiring the "status quo" is a bit more difficult to accept. 

Through my exploration yesterday I realized there are "others" that have a role to play in my circumstance. I am grown up enough to know that ultimately I am in control and I own my life but the influence of the "others" plays a role. I started to ponder the depths of the influence and how "real" the forces are? The analysis starts to get tricky? Are the "others" actually stopping me from doing what I want to do? Are they assertive with their influence and do they operate with my best interest in mind or is it more self serving? In fact, do I operate in my own best interest?These self imposed boundaries are hard to navigate? And even more difficult to determine how "real" they are?  

In recent times I have been reading "travel" blogs of individuals that are exploring different parts of the world and for the most part living culturally "self sufficient" lives away from our North American society. I often live vicariously through these people to some extent imagining what it would be like to live for a month in an ashram in India or a jungle retreat in Bali or in a tent on a beach in Mexico or Hawaii? I am grateful that these "experiences" are available to me to enjoy and savour. 

Next month I set out on my own travel adventure to southern California and Europe. I will be gone from home for nearly a month. I am excited on one hand and a bit apprehensive  of the self imposed "hassle" of traveling vrs the comfort of living at home. The necessity to continually deal with new situations and stimulus that travel affords. 

Of course the process created a fair amount of chaos as boxes got moved and sorted through. I spent about 4 hours all together (interspersed throughout the day) and made some good progress but I am still not finished. 

My goal is to stay focused for the next week or so and go through 4 closets in the basement that have become depositories for "stuff"-some of it still useful and worth retaining but a large percentage is obsolete and surplus to our needs. It will feel good to "clear the decks" through recycling wherever possible and discarding of what is no longer relevant....

According to the general description for my sign (Virgo) it is going to be a good year for new employment and the pursuit of meaningful (to me) work. Interestingly the horoscope overviewed some of the "work" related challenges I have experienced in the past few years and the importance of those events to help me make changes. Powerful stuff!!!

I am still not in a "job hunting" head space which is an interesting place to be? Family and friends are "prompting" me from time to time with questions related to "what I am going to do next?" and to be honest I am not sure exactly how to answer? (at least from a job perspective)... I guess I am experiencing a "gap" year of "somewhat" unstructured pursuits without an employment focus....

Next week I have a temporary job assisting with a renovation that will last a couple of weeks max then I head out traveling for a month so any "new" opportunities will probably not be explored until my return in March. All of this is kind of exciting and exploratory and full of potential. And "parked" for now....

With respect to taking care of the details the act of being mindful takes focus and intention and the final push to clean the "odds and ends"  is often tremendously challenging for me and on occasion overlooked. Sometimes I really push myself to complete a task or undertake a challenge and I motor along with good intention and focus but unwittingly leave out some detail that "dilutes" the finished product. I am not seeking a perfectionist outcome but I am focusing on getting to a higher standard of completeness on undertakings. 

I also sometimes do not pay attention to the nuances of human communication. This is not because I am not a good listener or communicator  but is more based on being open to connection. I am aware of my propensity to "zone out" the opportunities for greater intimacy with those I come in contact with. This sometimes come from a position of judgement and assumption which shuts the door on any further developments and in other cases I do not "act" on an invitation either because I choose not to or I missed the opportunity by not paying attention and only after the fact do I realize what was offered me? Other times it is just because I am "preoccupied" with a bunch of internal "noise" and just not aware enough of what is happening around me to see the potential? This is entering into the realm of lost opportunity based on non-attention? 

I realize on rereading my blog entry that I have only touched the surface and I am not sure I can actually translate my thoughts into words and adequately explore the topic? Part of me says don't bother-another part says spend some more time in contemplation and practice?

Somewhere in my single car garage (amongst my fairly large mechanical tool collection) there is a 1/4 inch ratchet and extension that I used last fall to tighten up a radiator hose on my Toyota. I spent about 10 minutes looking in all the usual places and some unusual ones and no ratchet was to be found. I even went into the back yard and checked the snow covered Toyota to see if I left inside the car-no luck......

When I realized I didn't have the ratchet I contemplated walking to my local Sears store and buying a new one....I know they would be on sale and cost me less than $20 but I stopped myself because it just didn't sit right with me that I do so without making double sure the original is not to be found?

This episode prompted me to stop any further projects until I get into my garage and complete the clean up from the home reno work (it has been too cold since before Christmas to spend much time in the garage but I have already taken all the scrap wood etc to the dump) and get my tools back in order because the thermostat job should have been relatively straight forward if I had access to the right tools. A frustrating occurrence for sure but one of those "prompts" to make sure there is a degree of order in my life to ensure a good flow of energy.

The winter has been more "grey" than in previous years with less sunlight than is usually experienced. As a SAD sufferer this absence of sunlight makes an impact on my day to day existence but it has not been overly arduous to handle. Energy levels have been moderate and pretty well status quo for this time of year. 

I miss my daughter who is currently living in France but we are keeping in regular contact and I am very much looking forward to seeing her soon when I travel to Europe. This has been a good focus for the winter....

The hot tub has been a great addition to the winter routine. The act of going outside and sitting in wonderful warm water on even the coldest days seems to be good for me from a physical and emotional well being perspective.

My yoga practice is down in frequency but enjoyed when practiced.

Still lots of family related stuff to handle which seems to be the primary focus for me over the last month or so (and previously). Items are being moved off the list as handled so progress is being made....

The purging of possessions is moving along but not as quickly as anticipated. I have a plan for the next couple of weeks and I am continuing to stay focused doing a bit each day. I would like to say I feel good about the process but a bit frustrated around the challenges and obstacles but not letting them get to me too much...

Bird count is down this year. Our feeders which saw much action during the early part of the winter have been much quieter than normal. Either the count is down or we have some kind of predatory bird or animal in the neighborhood keeping them away..we do have a nest of squirrels around that seem to want to dominate the area so maybe the birds have gone elsewhere where there is less hassle?

We have experienced a number of power outages over the past few weeks. Some of them just momentary disruptions but more than usual. I haven't contacted the power company to see what the root cause is???

To sum up....a pretty reasonable winter so far but looking forward to escaping the cave for a while and going on a travel adventure...it is time....

He doesn't like the clutter in our home-particularly our basement so he makes a point of reminding me of the importance of managing "stuff". We have some challenges because we have a artist studio in our home with all the related inventory which is difficult to contain at times because it is dependent of activity levels.

Our friend absolutely abhors 'self storage" facilities and plastic storage totes. In certain situations it might be necessary to store your belongings if you are traveling, being transferred or are of a seasonal nature etc but he believes for the most part the storage is used for "stuff" you probably don't really need. He also thinks way too many totes are sold to store items purchased but not really needed, used or consumed.  

His point of view has resonated with me since our discussion. Last fall I picked up a book called " The Spirit of Getting Organized" by Pamela Kristan and to be honest really hadn't looked at the contents closely until last night? The book contains some interesting insights into the whole getting organized process and through my scanning last night I realize I am on the right track tackling the clutter and trying to consolidate my "stuff"

Right now I have a room full of paperwork sitting around ready to be re-filed. It is year end filing cabinet reshuffle time and I am deep into the process. By reading the book I understand the underlying desire to get this aspect of my life organized and the principles will keep me focused and not frustrated..

My daughter tagged me on Facebook and wanted me to write 25 things about myself. I decided to publish here:

2. Family is really important to me.

3. The first time I went to Maui I didn't want to get on the plane and come home

4. I am a big believer in "happy places" where I go in my mind when things are tough?

5. I ran my first 1/2 Marathon at 47. I haven't participated since.

6. As a young man I wanted to learn to tune exotic cars but went into business instead.

7. I once applied for a job as a "roadie" for a rock band.

8. I love working with my hands.

9, Bicycle riding is a true passion.

10. I think it is important to be polite and treat people with respect.

11.  I enjoy reading biographies and how to books. I am in love with the concept of potential

12. I daydream a lot and have a vivid imagination.

13. I am a good listener and enjoy a good conversation.

14. I have a small circle of good friends whom I would like to spend more time with.

15. I am a future oriented person trying to live more in the present.

16. I admire "flexible" people...

17. I have a desire to learn a musical instrument and a foreign language.

18. I feel good when I volunteer but don't do enough of it.

19. I believe it is important to keep active physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually

20 I dislike mainstream media especially TV.

21. I do not like losing control.

22. I believe in the importance of critical thinking and I would like to be a more disciplined thinker.

23. I struggle with a "first things first" approach often pushing important activities to a lower priority.

24. I often put other people's needs and desires before my own and this causes me difficulty from time to time.

25. I desire to lead a more authentic life-true to my bliss.

Eventhough my departure doesn't happen for another week I have started stacking up the "checklists" in my head and using up some valuable mental energy reviewing scenarios related to travel preparation and departure that honestly shouldn't require my attention at this time? I have my ticket booked and passport in hand and a suitcase and backpack to put my belongings in. There should be a check mark put beside preliminary preparation completed and I should go back to "living in the moment" verses the endless looping of anticipation....