Over the past few days I have been "challenging" myself to live more in the moment and not fall into an "anticipatory" head space. Not an easy challenge and one at which I was only moderately successful. As stated in yesterday's blog entry my wife attended a murder mystery party last night which was creating a focal point for my anticipatory response (my favorite mental trap???) . In fact the build up was fairly intense which somewhat surprised me? The reasons were twofold: 1. Other than the hosts I knew none of the people at the party (who where for the most part good friends of the hosts) which "stimulated" my social anxiety response and 2. Being a murder mystery I was concerned at the "level" of participation and game playing that would be required. I did not want to put a bunch of effort into performing...It turned out my two concerns had no grounds for worry and any trepidation on my part was not warranted. I have to remind myself even though I may have feelings of trepidation going into social events they often turn out to be enjoyable experiences more often than not...last night was no exception. It was a bit of a stretch socially but well worth the effort. 

Last spring a strong gust of wind hit my garage door and as a result of one of the cables becoming disconnected the garage door fell down and hit my bicycle that was parked in the doorway. The bike escaped unharmed but the door got twisted and would not ride correctly on the track after that. 

I find myself living more in a daydream state visualizing potential outcomes. I have always daydreamed but lately I have stepped it up a notch or two. I find the musings distracting at times-at other times fascinating. I have a tendency to get obsessed with certain themes-dive into contemplation and fact finding and either implement or move on satisfied I had at least explored the potential. 

A few years ago I created an outline for a book I wanted to write called "A Man's Guide to Unfinished Projects". I even went as far as to submit it to a publisher as an entry for a new writer's competition. I didn't place in the running and they wanted $75 for a critique (that I was not willing to spend) so I never found out if the idea had merit from a publishing perspective. The book's intent was to illustrate how easy it is to be stimulated by a project and how hard it often is to get it finished....

I have found myself lately feeling "at home" in environments other than my own house. A feeling of self containment/comfort that doesn't require the familiar to make it happen. This detachment from the familiar may have always existed but I wasn't really aware of the "feeling" until a few months ago. This sense of detachment is very liberating on many fronts. 

Yesterday I realized I have fallen behind schedule wise in my desire to "right size" my possessions thus delaying my transition into a more "ordered" living environment. I have made some incremental improvement which I am celebrating but the battle still looms and there is much left to do. I guess I didn't really understand the scope of what I was undertaking and the amount of time and effort it would take to complete the tasks? 

I recently sold a 1980's remote control 4 wheel drive car on E-Bay. I didn't get a lot of money for it but I am happy it sold...The car belonged to my father-in-law and hadn't been used for years. I inherited it, this year I tried to pass it to my brother to work on but he lost interest after a short while and it ended up in my garage again....but now it has gone to a super enthusiastic RC car guy and his son and they are ecstatic about the purchase (he sent me an e-mail) and can't wait to get the car resurrected....one of those happy ending stories with a possession leaving our home and traveling 1000's of kms to a new owner...ah the beauty of E-Bay

I try to honor my commitments to both myself and others. I have varying degrees of success doing so especially when I overcommit time and resources. I try to stay away from doing so but it is easy to do unless one is mindful of what is being added by the commitments one makes...

Yesterday we celebrated my son's 26th birthday. The family gathered,food and drink was shared and the conversation flowed. In fact at times it was downright hilarious especially when my daughter and son started exchanging "compliments"....it was like we had our own sitcom going on....fun.....

Yesterday I ventured into our basement "storage room" which I consider to be a large version of a junk drawer and expended some of my time and energy there.... There is a huge range of items from children's art work to electronics there. Boxes full of assorted items-some orderly packed others randomly filled with "stuff"  some of it still useful, some worth saving and a whole bunch that need recycling...stacked everywhere....the energy was not flowing for sure and it was hard to walk around in the room.......the room has history...It used to my son's room for years so there are still some remnants of his time there, for a quite a while it was our spare room for guests, from there it became an art supplies storage room, then my daughter occupied it for a short period of time while her grandmother was staying with us, recently she left home leaving some of her things behind, No longer needed as a bedroom other items migrated there over the past few months then add a potentially misguided decision on my part to park 7 years of household and business records which are awaiting disposal-a bit intimidating to tackle...for the most part the room was ignored....out of the way-out of mind...

to myself and the natural world around me-a whisper of love and appreciation..

This afternoon I decided to create a bio similar to how famous people are featured in Wikapedia for my own use..... Perhaps a bit on the narcissistic side but an interesting exercise nevertheless. My intent is to document the different phases and see what comes up for reflection....

Opening the door to the process of self actualization takes courage. First of all there is the matter of giving yourself "permission" to undertake the quest-at least at the conscious mindful level because in some respects I believe my journey has already begun.... secondly there is the challenging of the status quo-this is the duty part-an area I have touched on but not explored fully (the verdict is still out)...then there is the whole aspect of leading an authentic life...one needs to be authentic (in my determination) to be self actualized...

Yesterday I got caught in a snow storm while driving home on the highway. It was not a foreseen circumstance- one of those trips that started out by checking the road report-seeing that the highway was considered in good condition, watching earlier weather reports indicated light snow but only a bit north of the city I was leaving-nothing to be concerned about..., then heading out and driving in more severe conditions the further north I drove. It appeared things changed dramatically. 

A few days ago a friend gave me the book "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" to read. He had attended a workshop on the subject and enthusiastically praised the process. After doing the tests in the book I came to the realization I am a Type 5. "The Investigator". A piece of a puzzle that I have been contemplating over the past month or so came together as a result of this discovery. For this I am grateful. My next step is to work through the book in some detail and undertake some of the exercises because I believe more answers are forthcoming. What I find fascinating is the categorization of  healthy, average and "challenging" aspects of the personality type...a "light" went off a result of some of the readings...a "why" answered!!!....